d r e a m s

are clearer than words in all their confusion

leave me be

leave me be
to my mind
to what my eyes see
to what i feel
to what i am
just leave me be

i love my parents
i really do
but truth cannot be avoided
that the love i have for them
this love i own
could very well be
a love taught
a love expected
a love expected to exist
an obligatory love
does that make it love then

but stop it
just stop hurting me
stop lashing at me this way
it cannot be stopped anyway
so just dont try stopping me

no one tries to stop a train at high speed

i wish not to derail

stop hurting me
stop it

stop it

please

just

stop lashing at me this way

i have not known love so sincere and genuine for another

and if this is the price i have to pay

then pay i will

but swallow it i cannot

it makes no sense
stop it

stop being so fuckin' stupid

just stop it

just finally

just now

just grow up

as parents

the way you should have

the day my brother was born

just stop flagellating me

please

before

all the love i have ever known

turns into all the hatred

i fear
i know

i can have

as the blood seeps through my tattered skin
as it drips into my bitter mouth

i beseech you

to just stop it

quicksand

i feel like an anchor has been nailed into my ankles
and no matter how much i struggle
how much i push upwards towards the bubbly surface

i just do not

i dreamt
that i was breastfeeding
this small helpless little thing that couldnt find my nips
and it was so hungry
so so hungry
i did not even try to find out if it was human
i felt like it was not
it was semi-animal
then i ran
and papa ran after me
screaming
ranting
with a desire to injure me so strong that i could feel the heat through my jugular vein
then i stopped
and i turned to him
and we fought
again
and i felt him take it away
fling it away from me
killing it

is it not wrong to desire ill of your father

it is wrong to desire ill for your own child too is it not

that everything

e v e r y t h i n g i have learnt about papa

is that e v e r y t h i n g is about

him

him

him

at the expense
of everything
and everyone else

i pray
i do not fall
i pray i do not wear his shoes
i pray
i will not forget
what it is like
to forget

what is really important

give me the freedom i crave, from the cage i confine myself within

as i fight against myself sometimes
i question
on mornings like these
isnt happiness a matter of choice?
didnt leo tolstoy once say, "if you want to be happy, be."?
is it that easy?
is it as difficult as we will it to be?
i use to scoff at the easy excuse "pms"
till i got it at an older age
but as i have known all along
it only gets worse during pms
it never really does disappear
lingering over one's head like an old perfume sprayed into a locked, windowless room
when i get drunk
i fight
with myself
with the man i love the most
over all the things i have fought to keep

i also do not understand
isnt ehm my man's friend?
then why does he keep coming to me?
isnt ehm my man's 'good' friend?
then why does he coquet me?
isnt ehm our friend?
then why does he negate everything that ravi and i have?

is this a friend?
always asking me to his car
do you not think i would suspect your intentions?
do you not think i know what you know i would expect?
do you not think that i am highly uncomfortable with it and can barely say no?

but i do

say no

with much difficulty
and i hate it
that i find saying 'no' so difficult
it is as difficult as i will it to be?
or is it because i am truly worried about how hurt ehm would feel?
or is it because i am actually a true crimson woman who does not fancy being disliked?

i detest that

i detest it

i really do

and sometimes i just want to scream

for friends who barely hold a mirror in their palms
for friends who betray
for papa
for the freedom i know i can never have
for the man i love

for the man i love

beyond my childish comprehension

for the man i love

beyond my flesh

sometimes
i wish
i could be 17
and throw things about in unconscious consciousness
only to be shocked at the trail of destruction i had left behind
my rage blackouts
that have not left me
but is crouching
just waiting

to pounce