quicksand

i feel like an anchor has been nailed into my ankles
and no matter how much i struggle
how much i push upwards towards the bubbly surface

i just do not

i dreamt
that i was breastfeeding
this small helpless little thing that couldnt find my nips
and it was so hungry
so so hungry
i did not even try to find out if it was human
i felt like it was not
it was semi-animal
then i ran
and papa ran after me
screaming
ranting
with a desire to injure me so strong that i could feel the heat through my jugular vein
then i stopped
and i turned to him
and we fought
again
and i felt him take it away
fling it away from me
killing it

is it not wrong to desire ill of your father

it is wrong to desire ill for your own child too is it not

that everything

e v e r y t h i n g i have learnt about papa

is that e v e r y t h i n g is about

him

him

him

at the expense
of everything
and everyone else

i pray
i do not fall
i pray i do not wear his shoes
i pray
i will not forget
what it is like
to forget

what is really important