i'm not dead yet

on thursday evening, i went for one of the last of my driving lessons - the slope course. nothing very complicated about it, just clutch, footbrake, handbrake. proceeded to Great World City where i tried to exchange my broken heels for another pair of shoes - but didn't fancy anything and paid an additional $15 to exchange lousy heels for a bag. there was a slight pressure on my chest by now, but it wasn't bad enough for me to stop shopping or walking. i hopped on a city bus to Borders to get a congratulatory card for a colleague who just got his first child. the dull pain didn't go away, but did not exacerbate either.

happily, i went home. dropped my bags on the floor and laid my exhausted body on the bed. rang Ravi on the speed dial and within minutes, it got worse. long excited sentences became laborious "uh huh"s and "ahmm"s. that pain i felt was scarily familiar. i'd had this in school before, when i overexerted during physical tests i had not trained for. but the pain went away when i controlled my breathing and slowed down. it disappeared.

this didn't disappear.

i switched off and bubble thoughts appeared above my head.

"oh god, i am obese."
"23 year old lady dies of a cardiac arrest."
"23 year old lady dies of heart attack weeks before wedding, fiance devastated and found on ledge of tower"
"cavalier eating leads to premature onset of heart disease"

then i said, "Ravi, keep talking, i can't really talk, my chest hurts." hurts suspiciously like a major heart cramp. i turned to my side, the pain got better, but i still couldn't breathe. inhaling was taxing. i stood up. i groaned. i couldn't stand up straight, i couldn't breathe, i dropped back onto the bed. i didn't think it was very serious, but it was serious enough that i knew i couldn't go down and wait for a cab. decided then that i would wait it out, after all, if it's a cramp of some sort, it should go away, shouldn't it? but it didn't go away. it got worse. i was pretty sure if Ravi was at home, he'd have dragged me to the hospital. i told him not to worry and i called Joy, to find out if she has ever experienced something like this. the answer was, no and i'm picking you up now.

and that was how i found myself at the hospital after Joy was busy cursing and maneouvering around idiotic drivers and road works. it sounded bizarre to me when these words came out of my mouth "i'm having chest pains". i was happy that Nurse Yogeshwari didn't look shocked. i mean, dali, there's GOT to be at least 3 cases of juve chest pains at the ER everyday.

i was led into a room where Nurse Yogeshwari hooked up giant multi-coloured crocodile clips to my limbs, on both arms and both ankles. little electrode things were put on my chest. the wires looked like some kind of torture instrument. Nurse Yogesh seemed to read my mind and said soothingly, "don't worry dear, it looks like i'm going to electrocute you but you won't feel a thing."

i didn't feel a thing.

she started printing out the ECG results, they wanted to rule out heart disease/problems. the pale dot matrix paper displayed four lines, i wasn't sure what they were, but i figured out each line measure activity in each heart ventricle. as the paper rolled out from the side of the machine in landscape mode, even i, as a lay(wo)man, could see everything was fine. then suddenly, a short section on the 2nd line went berserk, the needle drew lines vertically across all four lines occupying the width of the entire paper. i looked at Nurse Yogesh and asked, startled, "what is that? am i gonna die in the next two minutes?!"

"i hope not! i haven't had my coffee yet."

she went on to explain that the frequency measured can be interrupted by cellphones or other devices, that there's nothing to worry about. she went on to print another four ECGs, all of which were normal.

Dr Fat then came in. i chuckled inside, hoping he wouldn't give me a speech on diet control. i wonder if he ever had to - he's so obese, his pants were above his ankles. he pressed parts of my chest asking if it hurt, asked me to breathe deeply - which hurt to high hell - and told me that i most probably scarred my skeletal muscle on the left side.

by what? pulling up the car handbrake 8 times 3 hours before?

what i should look out for when i go home - irregular heartbeat, pain that goes all the way down to my left arm, major difficulty breathing.

er, Dr Fat, i just told yer that the pain's gone up to my upper arm and i can't breathe. i took some medicine back and laid on the bed, puzzled.

i knew what i needed most - rest. but it was already 0100.

got up on friday and the dull pain was still there, but not as bad as the night before. somehow i got through the day without much difficulty. and this Saturday morning, the pain returned, but this time, concentrated mostly at the back. and when i take a deep breath, the pain seems to come from the back to the front and squeeze my chest.

if i die today, there are a bunch of things i'd regret not having done yet.
1. not visiting Macchu-Picchu, the Pyramids, the French/Netherlands Antilles.
2. not taking beautiful pictures and learning how to use Photoshop
3. not buying that digital SLR i wanted to use to take beautiful pictures with
4. complete reading Women in Love by DH Lawrence
5. learn how to play the violin

and today, instead of learning the violin or reading Women in Love, i will pick songs for the wedding playlist, read The Tattooed Girl, perhaps do laundry and if i feel motivated enough, reply a coupld of emails and then go out in the evening.