give me the freedom i crave, from the cage i confine myself within

as i fight against myself sometimes
i question
on mornings like these
isnt happiness a matter of choice?
didnt leo tolstoy once say, "if you want to be happy, be."?
is it that easy?
is it as difficult as we will it to be?
i use to scoff at the easy excuse "pms"
till i got it at an older age
but as i have known all along
it only gets worse during pms
it never really does disappear
lingering over one's head like an old perfume sprayed into a locked, windowless room
when i get drunk
i fight
with myself
with the man i love the most
over all the things i have fought to keep

i also do not understand
isnt ehm my man's friend?
then why does he keep coming to me?
isnt ehm my man's 'good' friend?
then why does he coquet me?
isnt ehm our friend?
then why does he negate everything that ravi and i have?

is this a friend?
always asking me to his car
do you not think i would suspect your intentions?
do you not think i know what you know i would expect?
do you not think that i am highly uncomfortable with it and can barely say no?

but i do

say no

with much difficulty
and i hate it
that i find saying 'no' so difficult
it is as difficult as i will it to be?
or is it because i am truly worried about how hurt ehm would feel?
or is it because i am actually a true crimson woman who does not fancy being disliked?

i detest that

i detest it

i really do

and sometimes i just want to scream

for friends who barely hold a mirror in their palms
for friends who betray
for papa
for the freedom i know i can never have
for the man i love

for the man i love

beyond my childish comprehension

for the man i love

beyond my flesh

sometimes
i wish
i could be 17
and throw things about in unconscious consciousness
only to be shocked at the trail of destruction i had left behind
my rage blackouts
that have not left me
but is crouching
just waiting

to pounce