Tuesday, July 27, 2004


all you do is bark
bark about others
and these others are more real than you could ever be
and more successful than you could ever be

if you're so goddamn insecure
then perhaps you should take a goddamn holiday with yourself
and have a proper conversation with yourself first

i dont care
if i am prettier
i dont care
if i am what you wish you could be
i dont care
if i carry myself better
i dont care
if i am more sincere

i care that i am sincere
and i care that you are sincere

and if you are not

just get out of my face
and stop plaguing the masses
and stop being so goddamn small
you b^tch/es 

black looks good on me

my parents are still giving me the silent treatment
i mean
just cos half the people they know who are married to indians had failed marriages
doesnt mean that it would be any different if i were to marry a non-indian
the risk is about the same
marriage itself is a goddamn risk
and if you make a big deal out of something
it w i l l turn out to be a big deal
and besides rv is such a schweeet guy
so whats the big deal
i mean
just meet him goddammit
and stop letting your fears prejudices and misconceptions blind you
black looks good on me
oh wait wait wait
lemme indulge in some senseless corniness
once you go black you never go back
not so funny
someone let me outta here

i have waited three years
and i have waited enough
i have built enough love
to build some courage
to build an understanding with my own parents
but they choose to live in a marble

two halved halves :)
i cant live
as a half
i have invested
this much
of honesty
of what i call my personal self
to lay my heart on the table
and my mind to be scrutinized
but you have only
given me

i cannot know it any other way

not anymore



i'm a coward
i mean
dg's mother was a sweet, gentle and hilarious soul
sleeping beside her altar should not have scared the living shits out of me the way it did
i slipped the right side of my body under the blanket so that it was out of view
but i was perspiring like hell
just as long as i could not see the altar
and what the hell was wrong with us
6 adults acting like overgrown babies
i mean
we scared ourselves
the way people do by watching scary movies
and that was really silly
we spent the entire night talking about eerie stuff
then we irked ourselves before sleeping
and then decided we all couldnt sleep alone in the rooms
and huddled together on makeshift mattresses in the dining room
with max the sweet german shepherd staring at me
and i had the h o n o u r of sleeping beside the altar cos jl just couldnt do it either
and i
as usual
didnt say a thing
and just
lay there
and i was the last to fall asleep
i am
a scaredy cat
silly me

Friday, July 23, 2004

i am, what i am ____

quix·ot·ic    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (kwk-stk) also quix·ot·i·cal (--kl)adj.

Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.

Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).


Wednesday, July 14, 2004

ahr ee ass pee ee see tee


a concept i understand yet cannot grasp
can you grasp what you do not understand?
maybe i do not understand
maybe i only understand what the big deal is

i want

impulse is to me as words are to a letter
does that imply lack of mental control
does that eventually mean an unkept immaturity
strangely, i think of the repercussions
not that i do not care for them
i just
within a second
feel the costs
and carry the costs

why cant they just be more open about their insecurities
and stop hurting other people
or talking so loud and making such big physical movements
to show themselves bigger than they think they really are
why bother
what's up, oi

just too impatient
tapping my feet
drumming my fingers
shifting my focuses

get on with it

but slow down