Friday, October 29, 2004

love bruises

saving money can be quite painful
but at least you have the thought of a growing coffer at the back of your mind
which i am almost confident will disappear with very little creative effort on my part


are a dali-c nuisance

once again i feel marked
like a hog stamped "owned"
or "made out/made love last night"

stop staring at my neck you bastards
whatdont you make out?
hmm maybe you dont
stare away
envy away

and how come i am unable to find a single freaking concealer stick that actually matches my skin tone?
i am neither chinese nor white
i have a chinite skin colour that the market is unable to cater to
prejudiced bastards

so bastard is my favourite word today

when i was four
and very annoyed at my brother
(i rarely wasnt)
i glared at him and screamed
i remember it took courage to say it
although i didnt know what the word meant
i felt it was a "bad" word
it was a word that should remain "unspoken"
cos all the actors in lame soap operas called "sand", "days", "lives" used it only when "very, very angry"

there was a pregnant silence
there i was this hobbit like creature at the front of the door all pretty in a dress
minus hairy toes
and my parents and brother looking at me extremely beguiled
my father opened the door and laughed
my mother laughed
my brother just slapped me on the back and went out of the door
my mother bent down and asked

"do you know what 'bastard' means?"


"it means someone who is born without a father."

i was shocked
then we left the house

i felt soooooooooooo sad thinking of anyone being born without a father that i thought 'bastard' was a "really, really, really bad, bad, bad word"

and i didnt use it since


since now


Thursday, October 28, 2004

intolerable cruelty


was so
was so


unnerving is the right word
not perfect
but right

bought an entire bbq chicken with fries and went back to sherif's place for dinner
and watched intolerable cruelty
all about marriages
divorces actually
divorce lawyers
and the massey prenup
quite funny actually

and catherine zeta jones is sooooooooooo beautiful
and incredibly sexy
especially liked the part when i had to explain to sherif what disbarring means

the confu-sation

"it's definitely not about sex"

"or we'd be fucking like rabbits by now, aye?"

"i mean, really, dali, you know, i can fuck whoever."

nods in knowing agreement as has seen sherif's roving eyes and his pictures with girls in foreign country hotel room (quite accidentally, might i add, as i happened to be the only one around with the magic camera touch when no one else knew how to operate it)

"this is different. this is beautiful."

oh god, cheesy line to bed me?
es kann nicht sein

"i meet these girls in the clubs .. i know they're seeing other white guys."
waves hands dismissingly and rolls eyes

ok here comes the part where he tells me i am different right?

"first night i met you, sure i wanted to fuck you. but you were different, you know."

i am officially a saikik

"you are a very warm lady, you know that?"

and sexy, and gorgeous, and beautiful, and intelligent, and narcissistic, and ironic, and clumsy, and overweight, and lumpy, and logorrheic if that word exists, and fiery, and impatient, and insecure, and sensitive, overly perhaps, and wildly out of control when drunk, and then came the bombshell

"but how can i trust someone like you? when you're dancing sexy with other guys?"

are we really talking about this?
he is actually voicing his er ... thoughts?
what a step for him -

"i want someone who listens to everything i say."

someone who listens to everything i say???
"then i am d e f i n i t e l y not on that list."

huge gurgling laughter from back of egyptian throat escapes with difficulty as having giant hippo lying on tummy makes even basic breathing difficult
"i dont know, dali. i dont know. i dont know what to think of this. of you. of this beautiful moment."

i triumph disgustingly at his confusion
"what are you looking for, sherif?"

"i dont know, dali."

"i know i'm looking for love."
am already in love methinks

giant pause at that
egyptian eyes stare at mascara-smudged chingchong eyes
"love is a big word, dali. a big commitment. it is even bigger than a business commitment."

yes, of course
the businessman comparing love to business commitments
these people are possessed i swear
"but it's so ... "
failed to find perfect or even right word to describe er to describe
cant even describe description
only had picture of ravi's face in mind

"do you still want to get married after that movie?"

shit shit shit
said that with too much enthusiasm and too quickly

realised immediately must maintain composure and upper hand

"good. marriage is good. i have one more year to find a wife. i am running old. my mother is convinced i have someone here. but i dont. i only have someone for dinner right?"

oh fuck
why is he looking at me with that expectant look?
that is a loaded question
am i supposed to answer this while tearing the leg off the chicken like a savage as i dip into the sauce?
"yes, only for dinner."

so -
if ravi ever doubts my love for him

Tuesday, October 26, 2004


i am allergic to our ring
just when i was getting used to it
i am allergic to e v e r y t h i n g i swear

i like sherif
i always have
i knew exactly what i was doing with him
and at the same time
i was running in circles
he was trying to explain his confusion in seeing me
when he was having difficulty expressing it
i asked

"did you feel extremely close to me, and yet very distant?"

i felt quite sick at the triumph

it was like being able to say "no" without actually saying it
it was like wanting to give everything you have to someone
but holding everything back

he said, "yes. yes."

he felt extremely close to me and yet very distant

i havent worn ravi's ring for about a week
to let my finger heal
but somehow i felt
that in going to sherif's place
that the ring deserved its spot on my finger
not only for the pain or confusion it could have caused sherif
no matter how little
but also for all the love and respect i have for ravi

for his almost godliness ability to give me all the freedom my constricted soul needs
to grow without fear
or at least
with as little trepidation as possible

upon arrival
saw sherif in his permanent state
almost naked in his underwear
this is the state he is comfortable with
even with half a million friends in the house
but physically naked as he is
emotionally garbed he always will be

"i am so uncomfortable. i do not know if i can hug you."

just not with your hand in my pants, thank you
and sherif, being the man of pride and honour that he is, accepted that
we sat some time apart from each other as i badly needed to cool down from the night humidity and heat
and the sofa he was on was lightyears away from the airconditioning system

he got me water
lovely host that he is
and now we sat side by side
like old pillows coming together

it wasnt the least bit weird



and we talked
and talked
and laughed
and he told me of the gays he met in bali
i was extremely tickled by how homophobic he is
and annoyed him by insinuating that the most homophobic of people are usually closet gays
or unconscious gays
or conscious gays with moulded conscience

of how his chinese-balinese supplier
(whom he was meeting for the first time)
tickled his palm as they shook hands

it was his first time
and i think he wanted to barf
the look of disgust in his eyes burned
and he started talking about the people of Lot

of how Allah's ground shakes when two men get together

how annoying it would be to have an earthquake a day

"i've missed you actually, dali."


so did i

as i miss the people of past
as i miss the smells of the familiar

"i was really uncomfortable, sherif," i confessed.

"so was i. explains a lot," he concurred.

"you were too slow. a lot happens in one month," i explained.

little does he know

i was ambivalent
towards the night i got a bruise the size of a desktop calendar on my ass
i remember falling cos jay didnt catch me dancing
i remember giving my number to some phoney shit
i remember getting hurt by sherif cos he was angry at me
but i didnt know why
i also didnt know why i should have been hurt
but in all my drunkenness
i could still feel
that sherif was hurt
but i didnt know why

i found out last night

"i came to brix for you. i wanted to see you. when i got there, you were acting like such a --silence (i encouraged him to say the word that was at the tip of his cultured tongue) -- bitch. you were dancing with this negro (i havent used the word negro since i need to write a poem to rhyme with afro) really sexy. then when you were with me, this ... this negro came to you from behind, took you away from me. and you ... you waved at me. i had enough. i thought 'good luck to you and your life.' so i left. "

and boy was he angry
he ignored me for three to four weeks

a man has never ignored me like that before
i mean
not that i am some Aphrodite or Venus
but i dont get myself into situations like that
i just do not get committed in any way

no wait a minute

ok neverthelessssssssssssssss

needless to say
i spent the night beetroot red in the face as i was embarrassed about The Bruise On Ass Night
the way i behave when i am drunk
depends on how i feel prior to drinking
and that night

was an ugly night

sherif tried to kiss me several times last night


in the end

"i respect that" was the best thing i heard

that he is able to respect that i will not reciprocate

and he is now a friend i can love

as i trudged home past 0100
i cursed sherif for not walking me out (so much for chivalry)
the goddamn place is dark
and quiet
but silently i knew
i should not be a brat

walking into the room, seeing my roborant curled up in our pink quilt (yes, pink) made me sad
i could not quite understand why

was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to lie on my lap playing with my curls, just talking
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to wash my clothes without turning my white bras purple
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to articulate his emotions for me
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is not spiritually on par with me

or was it because i knew
that i was slowly making up my mind
that i was leaving every other chance behind
for the man i love, for you

i love you


Thursday, October 14, 2004

so tomorrow
my greed goes into hibernation
at least for a month
i love fasting
the distraction of food is removed
and for one month in a year
i am able to think clearly
well at least in the day


otherwise it is all pretty foggy
ravi has been in vietnam since friday
i would love to be in ho chi minh
walk around
shop around
while he is hard at work
maybe in december

ravi got me a ring
i chose it
not that he has bad taste
his taste is just adverse to mine
lets not think about how ravi would have known which ring to get for me quietly
if he observed more
if he listened more
if he were more aware
and though one might think this could be unfair

if he actually gave a shit

but he doesnt
so there
that is how i had to choose my own ring
i am a sucker for surprises
but nevermind
then he thought would be nice if he would give it to me on some later date

and what does he do

while watching xmen in his underwear
he happened to pass the jewellery bag while scratching growing belly
then said
oh yeah supposed to give this to you

not exactly a marriage proposal

then he got into bed where i was reading an exceptionally riveting book
held the box in his hand and got distracted by xmen
then looked at me and opened it
then got distracted again
finally i complained about how xmen isnt particularly nat king coleand he switched off the tv
slipped the ring on my finger
admired it
then switched the tv back on


what can i say
am i in this for the rest of my life

was really uncomfortable with the ring for three days or so
felt like a pig with markings on its side
only mine says

ravi -space- 750

and then suddenly realised
i am owned

though am pretty convinced is own fault ring is on finger now

how come a ring can mean anything

so anyway
need to get back to work

or look very hardworking at least