Wednesday, June 29, 2005


YES! am bonafide Spank Godd-esssssss. a fellow highly stressed (and highly strung) commercial partner in a carrier recommended the spank website on condition of anonymity.

"helps us relieve streessssss."

erhmm. right. it works like a stressball. know those sand-filled / rice-filled / crumbs-filled balloons that supposedly help you cool down?

my ass.

it stresses me out even more cos i feel like bursting it all the time.

i think they call it a stressball not because it eases your stress but because it is what it is. a stressball. it stresses you out.

i'm slightly nervous. have several huge deadlines, most of them due tomorrow and i'm not clearing my mails as fast enough though i am clearing them as fast as humanly possible. would not usually be an issue but - i've a flight to catch on saturday morning. cannot live all the shit for someone else to dish.

and eds, am going to lose all that weight i'd put on in hong kong!

khao san, here we come!

hello blog.

long time no post.

i miss my colleague. when i returned from hong kong, he continued to canada, then usa. i miss him cos we laugh about everything, we laugh about the anal people we work with, we halve all our work between us and we make ourselves feel better by bitching about the freaks we encounter on a daily basis at work.

also no fun dealing with 180 mails a day by yourself.

am busy, but extremely distracted. been fantasising of bangkok, cairo, dubai and doha.

one week in bangkok seems a bit much, but i need the break. and it would be oh so luverly if ravi and i could just have excess time on our hands for once. also, this is our last chance for a holiday before he leaves. he's been tipped to leave in august.

too soon! too soon!

we were thinking "oh, november ... still got time."

but august?! that's only a month away!

and i'll remain in singapore for at least 10 more months before i join him. will be a crazy year from this moment on.

the heat is on.

Friday, June 17, 2005

a harbour view

it's 0201am.
it's hot out here in hong kong.
it's cold in here in the room.

feet ache from overuse of 3" inch heels.
back aches from ascending hilly roads and steep stairs.
eyes hurt from lack of sleep and dry eyes.

when we first touched down in hong kong, i was horrified at how some of the mainland chinese behaved. we were in the train on the way to customs and this obviously mainland chinese lady (so says my chinese friend) pushed so hard when the carriage was obviously hard. she forced her way in, then shouted above the shuffling feet, toppling luggages and gasps of horror and disgust "just come in! come in! come in!". i almost fell over from the force. a little girl in front of me almost got squashed between the support pole and three luggage bags bigger than she. and this moronette kept on encouraging her fellow friends to just force their way in.

then immigration - reminded me too much of malaysian customs at KLIA.

on the airport express to the international finance centre in central hong kong, my colleague commented "you'd either love hong kong. or absolutely hate it. i hated it. now i don't really feel anything."

i love hong kong.

i dont care how ching it is. being a foreigner gave me a false feeling that i was an expat. and there are more expats here than in singapore. although hong kong is distinctly chinese, my subconscious could not help but register all the subtle (and not so subtle) british influences all around the islands.

and ships - so many of them.

and water - so much of it.

it's surreal. hong kong is just a maze. the roads are a challenge, the buildings are somehow connected by overhead links and the neon signboards calls for a camera with good battery standby.

i could stay here. for three to four years. but i could not live here. reality would set it too soon.

and the food - i'm not a chinese foodie. did not realise this till a colleague suggested chinese food and i didn't realise i was grimacing. it would, after all, be my 3rd chinese meal in two days. this is more than how much i'd usually take in a year.

the clubs here are promising, crowd is friendly, atmostphere electrifying.

and tomorrow, i mean today, i will visit a few more clients, hope to hop onto my company junk and suck in the sights on the water.

i hope, that it will not be as hot and humid as tonight was.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

adult life

i feel like a confused immune system, attacking itself by accident. i am an adult.

but not really.

i've thrusted myself into the adult world while scoffing at it. i embrace adult life while holding contempt for it. i hang out with adults while i tolerate the acrid distasteful resentment for them at the tip of my tongue.

doesn't mean being a child is any easier.

i am an adult.

but not really.

i am a child pretending to be an adult. i'd rather drop everything.

i am a child, yet everyday i worry i'll make an expensive mistake at work and suddenly find myself having to pay rent without a job.

i am a child, yet every week i tell my parents why they did at least one thing wrong.

i am a child, yet every week i wonder how i am going to afford retirement.

i am a child, yet i ask for a child everyday.

i am a child, yet everyday i find new ways to pass off as a non-child.

i am a child wondering how i can pass off as a non-child during my business trip to hong kong next week. they're gonna see through it all, i am a sham.

a partner today said "you're 23! but you sound so experienced! (surprised smile) or you're really good at bullshittin'!"

that's right, i'm really good at bullshittin' and one of these days, you're going to peel me like an onion and find this trembling child at the core.

i'm resisting it.

what am i resisting?