roborant

i am allergic to our ring
just when i was getting used to it
i am allergic to e v e r y t h i n g i swear

i like sherif
i always have
i knew exactly what i was doing with him
and at the same time
i was running in circles
he was trying to explain his confusion in seeing me
when he was having difficulty expressing it
i asked

"did you feel extremely close to me, and yet very distant?"

i felt quite sick at the triumph

it was like being able to say "no" without actually saying it
it was like wanting to give everything you have to someone
but holding everything back

he said, "yes. yes."

he felt extremely close to me and yet very distant

i havent worn ravi's ring for about a week
to let my finger heal
but somehow i felt
that in going to sherif's place
that the ring deserved its spot on my finger
not only for the pain or confusion it could have caused sherif
no matter how little
but also for all the love and respect i have for ravi

for his almost godliness ability to give me all the freedom my constricted soul needs
to grow without fear
or at least
with as little trepidation as possible

upon arrival
saw sherif in his permanent state
almost naked in his underwear
this is the state he is comfortable with
even with half a million friends in the house
but physically naked as he is
emotionally garbed he always will be

"i am so uncomfortable. i do not know if i can hug you."

just not with your hand in my pants, thank you
and sherif, being the man of pride and honour that he is, accepted that
we sat some time apart from each other as i badly needed to cool down from the night humidity and heat
and the sofa he was on was lightyears away from the airconditioning system

he got me water
lovely host that he is
and now we sat side by side
knowingly
like old pillows coming together

it wasnt the least bit weird

just

restrained

and we talked
and talked
and laughed
and he told me of the gays he met in bali
i was extremely tickled by how homophobic he is
and annoyed him by insinuating that the most homophobic of people are usually closet gays
or unconscious gays
or conscious gays with moulded conscience

of how his chinese-balinese supplier
(whom he was meeting for the first time)
tickled his palm as they shook hands

it was his first time
and i think he wanted to barf
the look of disgust in his eyes burned
and he started talking about the people of Lot

of how Allah's ground shakes when two men get together

my
how annoying it would be to have an earthquake a day

"i've missed you actually, dali."

hmmm
really

so did i

as i miss the people of past
as i miss the smells of the familiar

"i was really uncomfortable, sherif," i confessed.

"so was i. explains a lot," he concurred.

"you were too slow. a lot happens in one month," i explained.

little does he know

i was ambivalent
towards the night i got a bruise the size of a desktop calendar on my ass
i remember falling cos jay didnt catch me dancing
i remember giving my number to some phoney shit
i remember getting hurt by sherif cos he was angry at me
but i didnt know why
i also didnt know why i should have been hurt
but in all my drunkenness
i could still feel
that sherif was hurt
but i didnt know why

i found out last night

"i came to brix for you. i wanted to see you. when i got there, you were acting like such a --silence (i encouraged him to say the word that was at the tip of his cultured tongue) -- bitch. you were dancing with this negro (i havent used the word negro since i need to write a poem to rhyme with afro) really sexy. then when you were with me, this ... this negro came to you from behind, took you away from me. and you ... you waved at me. i had enough. i thought 'good luck to you and your life.' so i left. "

and boy was he angry
he ignored me for three to four weeks

a man has never ignored me like that before
i mean
not that i am some Aphrodite or Venus
but i dont get myself into situations like that
i just do not get committed in any way

no wait a minute

ok neverthelessssssssssssssss

needless to say
i spent the night beetroot red in the face as i was embarrassed about The Bruise On Ass Night
the way i behave when i am drunk
depends on how i feel prior to drinking
and that night

was an ugly night

sherif tried to kiss me several times last night

but

in the end

"i respect that" was the best thing i heard

that he is able to respect that i will not reciprocate

and he is now a friend i can love

as i trudged home past 0100
i cursed sherif for not walking me out (so much for chivalry)
the goddamn place is dark
and quiet
but silently i knew
i should not be a brat

walking into the room, seeing my roborant curled up in our pink quilt (yes, pink) made me sad
i could not quite understand why

was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to lie on my lap playing with my curls, just talking
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to wash my clothes without turning my white bras purple
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is unable to articulate his emotions for me
was it because, unlike sherif, ravi is not spiritually on par with me

or was it because i knew
that i was slowly making up my mind
that i was leaving every other chance behind
for the man i love, for you

i love you

d.