day one

ravi has left. eric too has left. ravi will be back in two excruciating weeks and eric will be back in one year.

body : lost 2 kg (suspect it's the 3xshit i had performed today
hair : wild-dog status alert due to lack of leave-in conditioner in the morning
feet : aching and stinking :)
nails : desperately need a french
work : stressed, busy and regretting the last email i had sent

heart : having fits of cravings

for ravi

i kinda lost it last night. it was his birthday, and also his last night in singapore before he leaves for his business trip. his friends as usual decide to take him away from me for a night of alcohol and sexist jokes on the night we should be together before his business trip. but as it was his birthday, i thought, come on ... really ... let him do what he wants.

then he says, "i'd rather be with you."

but the night ended with him going out with friends for drinks, coming home later than he promised, me sitting at home crying my eyeballs out cos he broke his promise the millionth time.

and then we fight. and he insinuates that i fall sick everytime he wants to go out with his friends.

"yeah, but i've realised that the moment i tell you i am going out, that you start telling me how much you miss me and fall sick."

boy, did that get to me. i do not think it's fun to get bloody cystitis practically every other week or have a fixed appointment with the urologist every other fortnight either. and i do not pretend to GET cystitis for god's sake - no one can remain sane sitting on the throne for hours squirming in pain with a 1.5l bottle of water beside you.

i guess i sort of lost it.

i threw the mug of milk i was holding against the wall, marched into the room and slammed the door. i've had great control over that part of me for the past six years. i've had strong urges to break things but i've managed to control them fairly well.

till last night.

insinuating that i have fun suffering from pain he cant even imagine.

i locked the room door of course - it was extremely unreasonable but i knew anyway he'd get the room key from the bunch of gazillion keys outside. and he did find it after spending 2 minutes banging the door continuously.

he forced the pillow from over my head and told me crisply:

you have two weeks here, then ship out.

man, did i just get dumped again? kinda getting sick of this.

a shouting match ensued, apparently. i didnt think i raised my voice but he said i did. he said he's had it with me. with ME??!!

i mean, WHO'S THE ONE WHO FUCKING PRETENDS HE DOESNT CARE AND HURTS PEOPLE LIKE HE DOESNT CARE?

so anyway, we had a good talk.

it ended with a hug.

he understood - communication is a luxury in our relationship. he refuses to talk.

i have learnt that it is not a problem unique to our relationship. his brother complained the same too. i've had his friends asking me if i actually understood him cos they dont.

"why dont you let people in?"
"then they'll know me."
"but i'm your wife-to-be."
"i know."

and so - today became a better day.

only he isnt here. and i am so afraid i'm going to fucking screw it up one bluddy more time.