hors d'oeuvres

fir just gave me a ring to rant about how much weight he's put on since he opened up the restaurant at tanjong pagar. i didnt quite notice, he just looks beefy. but it disturbs him a great deal - enough to go to the gym, enough to do laps at the pool, enough to watch his diet. and i?

i decide to go out and buy a pair of lovely nike shoes so that maybe, just maybe, i'd think of exercising.

hey, i cant just lament about how fat i am, right? at least buying a pair of shoes sets me on the right track (cheesy pun intended). but you know? $150 can buy me some nice crabs, crispy buns, tiramisu and chocolates.

i dont feel good, i dont feel i look good, if looking good can be a feeling.

i remember that when i first received the first few friendster notifications from people i knew, i just deleted all of them - i really couldnt give two shits about joining yet another of those annoying web portals that was just going to send my details to every other tom, dick, harry, jane and mary and mass-mail penis enlarger ads and discounted cialis into my already over-spammed hotmail inbox (cant believe they have a limit to how many addresses you can block!). then my brother and nuril raved about it, about how cool it was to see how you are related to a complete stranger by one friend, then another, then another. you'd know the links, but not the stranger.

i thought, hmmm ... interesting.

so the next time i got a friendster notification, i joined. within a week, i realised why people were raving about it. but as with most things, i was cautious. it got fun for a while, reuniting -so to speak- with classmates you forgot about. then it brought back flooding memories of things i'd locked up in pandora's box.

memories of insecurities. memories of my insecurities. memories of their insecurities. memories of their insecurities feeding on hurting others. then i just didnt bother.

was looking through friendster now and saw all these girls i once knew. all their friendster profiles had pictures of themselves partying with lo-and-behold themselves once again. the same girls who, when a beautiful chinese girl with fantastic boobs entered school in our second year, bitched about the porcelain beauty like as though they fucking knew her, goddammit. wasnt her fault she had flawless skin, wasnt her fault she had thick waist-long jet-black hair, wasnt her fault she was one of the smarter girls in school. it was her blessing.

and i made the effort to get to know her better. and i liked her. and the girls kept bitching about her.

and then i knew what i'd always known all along - these girls arent for me. at least not then. not anymore. at least that was the last i could lie to myself about.

you are what your company is.

and i was not what my constant company was.

didnt think i'd do something like that, but i abandoned ship. i couldnt bear to be near them, to even hear them talk, i'd feel disgusted. but it wasnt all of them. some were leading A1 bitches, the rest were backboneless followers. i couldnt decide which was worse, the class A bitches who prided themselves on preying on others or the backboneless slaves who didnt stand up for others or their own opinions when they knew the predators were wrong.

but it doesnt quite matter now. to say that i do not care would be a lie. perhaps i take too extreme a side of every story, or too intense an emotion fit for any circumstance. but that's all i've ever known. moderation is still a word i am unable to comprehend or abide by. going by the looks of it, i dont think that's ever gonna change. my father got more intense, not mellow, as he aged. so did his sisters. so did their mother.

hence, so will i.

i do not hold grudges. but as linda the astrologer said, a taurus would simply avoid you if she didnt like you.

succinct. i avoid having to pretend i fancy these people, no matter how remotely even if remotely possible. i avoid having to pretend i am actually interested in what they have to say. i avoid having the rest of my day ruined as i avoid having thoughts of how these people should stop bitching about innocent people and start bitching about the bitches.

now, that's what bitching's all about, isnt it? not preying on people you wish you were.

bitching out of envy is over me, i just dont get it.

so i thought they'd get out of it. right? i mean, it has been some years. but noooooo ... read their friendster profiles and noticed that they are still proud of preying on people they wish they were like.

ok, i am acting all holier-than-thou which is just as disgusting, especially when i think about all the preaching pak hajis i wished dead.

so, on a lighter note, have survived three nights without ravi. have only called him 2x. am extremely proud of self as self has now gained some control over impulsive self, and self suspects self is actually happy or somewhat contented.

bluddy hell fuckin' lonely though. even had the mad urge to go to kuala lumpur today just to visit his parents. i miss him madly, so i see his parents? yeah, sure, i also see the point. but hey, can see edna, matchap, george and mike, right? soooo ... but didnt do it la. found out my brother is returning from the KL meeting on saturday night itself so it would be pretty stupid to go down to KL just for half the amount of time it takes to bluddy get there and come back.

as lonely as i might be, i find it strange that i do not have the urge to pick the phone up to ask anyone out. gee.

do you think "gee" is a cut version of jesus?

alright then. take a look at following droolicious recipe and wish you were in my midst to taste it. while i look for an excuse to be inebriated tonight.

crimsondevotchka is outta here to make some experimental devilled eggs hors d'oeuvres.

8 large eggs
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 tablespoons sour cream
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
Salt to taste
2 ounces black caviar

Place the eggs in a saucepan just large enough to hold them all in one layer. Add water to cover by 1 1/2 inches. Add 1 tablespoon salt. Partially cover the pan and bring to a full rolling boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and leave on heat for 30 seconds. Remove from heat and let stand, covered, for 15 minutes. Pour off hot water and rinse eggs under cold running water for 5 minutes. Pour off the water and shake the pans to crack the eggs. Peel under cold running water.

Cut peeled eggs in half lengthwise. Transfer yolks to a bowl. Cover and chill yolks and whites separately for 1 hour.

In a large bowl, mash the yolks with a fork. Mash in the mayonnaise and sour cream. Add lemon juice and salt; stir until well blended.

Fill the egg white halves with the yolk mixture, extending the filling over part of the white. Generously sprinkle each half with chives, leaving a little yellow showing around the edges. Sprinkle each half with lemon zest. Cover and refrigerate. Serve well chilled. NOTE: The stuffed eggs may be made 1 day in advane and kept covered and chilled. When ready to serve, spoon a bit of cold caviar on each half.