munday(ne) sunday

woke up with swollen thyroids, sore shoulders/neck/tummy/thighs and excruciating pain in weak knees. must learn not to dance like mad whore high on meth who forgets she hasn't worked her muscles in months or has osteoarthritis of the knees. music keeps me going. it's primitive. everyone can dance - if they can learn to let go completely.

i wonder sometimes, what will happen if one day, i can no longer dance? will i close my eyes and imagine me dancing to the sounds of songs like Elube Changó (Son Afro)? will i listen to songs like these that evoke the inner soul to jump onto a table and dance wildly? songs that mysteriously turn my lips into an upward crescent and my shoulders to jerk rhythmically although the body is not willing though the soul is pushing? will these fantasies feed me if one day, i can no longer dance?

oh lord, please, let me keep my faculty of thought and dance till i am grey with age and (hopefully) wisdom.

three things make me really happy in life.

1. song and dance.
2. animals.
3. capturing emotions/thought on (digital) film.

my friendly/sociable image belies my closet recluse who craves devotion from the subjects in her life. there is nothing i can do happily in this life without diving head-first into. also a fallible quality. i only have myself to blame when i bleed. how can one feel half-baked emotions? how do you put one foot into a relationship and another foot out?

is moderation an acquired skill or a choice in life? it is not possible to celebrate life without getting your hands dirty or giving up offerings of one's heart to one's friends. if one is always so afraid, then how can one celebrate life or one's self?

if one gives in to one's pride and insecurities, would one not be short-changing one's self? lose self? lose esteem? lose friends? lose life itself?

the friends i've lost because they've hurt me to protect their insecurities, i do not mourn.

and so i find myself turning to three things that know no insecurities, (1) song and dance; (2) animals; (3) photography. the friends who do not lash for the protection of their insecurities are few, and these i treasure.

on my agenda for this year:
(1) take violins back from parents' and learn to play the violin since my hands can no longer play the piano due to a botched surgery.
(2) endeavour to convince The Boyfriend to keep a cat at home.
(3) pursue photography.

i think this is enough on my plate for now.

i had a good time last night, Ina.