adult life

i feel like a confused immune system, attacking itself by accident. i am an adult.

but not really.

i've thrusted myself into the adult world while scoffing at it. i embrace adult life while holding contempt for it. i hang out with adults while i tolerate the acrid distasteful resentment for them at the tip of my tongue.

doesn't mean being a child is any easier.

i am an adult.

but not really.

i am a child pretending to be an adult. i'd rather drop everything.

i am a child, yet everyday i worry i'll make an expensive mistake at work and suddenly find myself having to pay rent without a job.

i am a child, yet every week i tell my parents why they did at least one thing wrong.

i am a child, yet every week i wonder how i am going to afford retirement.

i am a child, yet i ask for a child everyday.

i am a child, yet everyday i find new ways to pass off as a non-child.

i am a child wondering how i can pass off as a non-child during my business trip to hong kong next week. they're gonna see through it all, i am a sham.

a partner today said "you're 23! but you sound so experienced! (surprised smile) or you're really good at bullshittin'!"

that's right, i'm really good at bullshittin' and one of these days, you're going to peel me like an onion and find this trembling child at the core.

i'm resisting it.

what am i resisting?