Sunday, March 07, 2004

pendulous madness

unhealthy isnt it?
that i keep running to you?
that when i fall, scrape my knees and bleed, that i cry for you?
such desperation, such esteem beating.
but i dont blame you.
i cant.
because it's no fault of yours.
but mine.
am i not strong enough to get past the lethargy?
am i not steel-hearted enough to brush the dust into my wound and off my knees?
do i not possess an optimistic view on life?

you think not.

i feel not.
i'm still in self-denial.
but that's no delusion, when you confess you're in self-denial.
but it's not good enough.
i feel famous.
leading two diverse lives, a public affair and a private face.
i talk of myself like i dont know myself.

maybe i dont.

i think i do.
but it's just a thought.
i cant spend energy wondering if i know myself.
the entire box of kit-kats will disappear magically.
like my emotions.

if i can understand, i could learn to control it.
just like i can understand it.

but i dont.

what is it?
when you wake up and you feel like you could lunge yourself out the window?
all you feel is despair.
desperation.
frustration.
emptiness.

how is it possible?
to feel empty yet feel desperation and frustration as well?
i feel like i'm an adolescent.
i feel pre-pubescent.
i feel like a five year old girl surrounded by dolls and encyclopaedias.
i feel how i've felt all my life.

to oversimplify it, disoriented.

sometimes it's ok.
it's even manageable without all the milk, chocolates and family bashing.

mostly it's not.
i'm scared of something.
and i dont even know what it is.
all i've known all my life is flying.
flying in my dreams without wings.
without speed.
with something, someone, somehow catching up on me from behind.
and i cant see it.
i dont even know what it is.

maybe i'm a felis catus, chasing after its own tail.

sometimes i dont even fly.
i'm running.
like h e l l.
my feet are moving so fast, it's a blur.
my fear is taking my body forward so fast, i can feel my mad pulse in my jugular popping through the thin skin.
the fear is so real, i can taste it melted and acidic on my sore tongue.
i'm so scared shitless, i'm thrown into consciousness.
i wake from my dream the way some people pass out into the unconsciousness from fear.
some strange way of escaping from danger.

every week.

i want to stop it.
not just the dreams.
i want to stop falling all the time.
if i have to run to stop falling, at least i'm moving.

but you, i still hold dear.


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