government left me an orphan

dont think i will ever turn oneirophobic
but i just hate being tormented in dreams

something's not at peace
something's just not right

ekh
a war setting of some kind
living sepia character
was just being pushed along with a group of people
when i managed to break away
and got chased
again
ran past some trees
into a house

this house

this house i will never forget

the door i cant remember
i only wanted to burst through it
and stop the chase
but immediately i was stumped by the beauty of the empty house
it was silent
eerie
the walls were a misty shade of turquoise
everything was misty
there was nothing on the floor
nothing on the walls
but something about the house reminded me of the colours in frida
or pictures from a lomo
the windows were simply holes that looked out to nothing
were just white
misty white
like i didnt simply leave the group i was with
like i entered an entirely new world
at first i ran like a rat
here
there
or what seemed like there
then i walked
slowly treaded the floors
up the stairs
all turquoise
but darker now
misty
darker as i progressed along the stairs
the stairs had strange corners
turning after just four steps
then turning after ten
then after three
getting darker and darker
the first door i come across opens up to my parents
normality steps in abruptly

the war scene is dropped
the house is dropped

it's so ludicrous
i wake up

doh
trees
cold
ala crucible
dad executed
heart's pierced through
mom on the way to execution
i bawl my head off
there are all these fucking cockroaches
i hate cockroaches
i h a t e them
wont go into details
but i dont really want to know why i dreamt of their execution
my heart felt real sorrow
real pain
but it was unreal
laid awake for an hour thereafter this morning
i was traumatised
i am traumatised

if it was as simple as hating one's parents
i wouldnt be disturbed
but i know i love them so deeply
this
this
'tis exactly this that affects me
try not to try and understand it

and ravi
he was behind a building of some sort
a building i'm familiar with when i was growing up in katong
he was watching
he cant come out
it's like we still cant reveal our parentally-unapproved modern relationship of modern times
even at my parents' death and my desperation to cling on to the last moments of my mother's life
even her sorrow was real
so real, i was angry
so angry

and my brother
looked like he was resigned to it
as usual
like he couldnt do anything about it
he wasnt even holding on to her
just sat there
talking with someone else
felt helpless
and frustrated with his doing nothing

and then it was done
i became an orphan
felt more lost than i usually am

i cant have these dreams anymore