love bruises

saving money can be quite painful
but at least you have the thought of a growing coffer at the back of your mind
which i am almost confident will disappear with very little creative effort on my part

so
hickeys

are a dali-c nuisance

once again i feel marked
like a hog stamped "owned"
or "made out/made love last night"

stop staring at my neck you bastards
whatdont you make out?
hmm maybe you dont
ok
stare away
envy away
bastards

and how come i am unable to find a single freaking concealer stick that actually matches my skin tone?
i am neither chinese nor white
i have a chinite skin colour that the market is unable to cater to
prejudiced bastards

so bastard is my favourite word today

when i was four
and very annoyed at my brother
(i rarely wasnt)
i glared at him and screamed
"bastaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrd!!!!"
i remember it took courage to say it
although i didnt know what the word meant
i felt it was a "bad" word
it was a word that should remain "unspoken"
cos all the actors in lame soap operas called "sand", "days", "lives" used it only when "very, very angry"

so
"bastaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrd!!!!"
there was a pregnant silence
there i was this hobbit like creature at the front of the door all pretty in a dress
minus hairy toes
and my parents and brother looking at me extremely beguiled
my father opened the door and laughed
my mother laughed
my brother just slapped me on the back and went out of the door
my mother bent down and asked

"do you know what 'bastard' means?"

"no?"

"it means someone who is born without a father."

i was shocked
then we left the house

i felt soooooooooooo sad thinking of anyone being born without a father that i thought 'bastard' was a "really, really, really bad, bad, bad word"

and i didnt use it since

well

since now

heh