a dream i sense

i cannot decide if i love having vivid dreams. or that i'd rather wake up thinking i've slept too little in a vacuum. i am beginning to think the latter.

if i cannot have dreams of flowers, nice cats, of a sweet love stroking hair away from my face, i do not know if i want to face the horror of my dreams.

the teacher was talking about dreams. i do not believe he believes himself to be a dream translator, but i am sure he reads a lot in a bid to understand his own life. he asked, "who floats? who flies?" stupidly, i whispered a loud "yes".

"then you have no faith."

*wham*
a stone in my gut. thanks. telling me straight in my face that i do not have faith in a religious class full of people isnt the most politically correct or sensitive thing to do.

but last night's dream was too supernatural to my liking. i hated it. you know when you're in one dream, then suddenly you diffuse into another?

exactly that.

i was in another dream, not exciting, not delightful, but most importantly, not horrifying. then i focused on a building, not so far away. grey with white window perimeters and dirty windows. like the optical zoom in a camera, somehow my eyes zoomed 11x onto the building. it looked like an apartment complex, unlike those found in asia. strangely, there were chips where the outside walls of the building met. these chips were white, like broken styrofoam.

i walked towards that building. everything of the dream preluding this one disappeared. the streets were deserted, everything was gloomy. (am re-considering if i want to immortalise that dream by writing about it. but it probably makes no difference since i remember most, if not all my horrifying dreams.) there was absolutely nobody on the streets.

it was all still.

no leaf floating by, not an insect kekeketing away, not even the movement of air.

somehow i found myself past the heavy, worn oak door of the grey building and came face to face with an extremely ugly lady. so ugly, she looked like a ladyboy who was better off as a man. even her hair looked bad. thick, coarse, all matted up, apparently never heard of V05 leave-in conditioner.

but what was worse was how my heart dropped when i saw her.

it wasnt the aesthetic shock that did it. it was instinct.

the way your subconscious pokes at you when all alarm bells ring telling you that something is not right, or that you've forgotten something.

i dreaded her.

but i followed her.

i followed her along the perimeter of the desolate, rectangular lobby. when i looked up, i realised that i could see the second floor, much like libraries you see in bluddy hollywood movies. on the second floor, there were shelves and shelves of books that didnt quite register in my head. i didnt even register the furniture on the first floor.

i was too preoccupied by how my blood pressure dropped in the dream. how my heart felt like it stopped, then ran. like it was running for its life.

somehow found myself on the second floor with her. she kept looking at me, this strange look. she tried to look into my eyes, always doing something that would make me look at her eyes. felt like she tried to possess me.

to say i was uncomfortable would overstate the understatement it would make.

and then i knew i had to run.

the way you'd know to cup your hands under the table when you've accidentally pushed something over the desk. you dont think. you just do.

i just ran.

and she ... didnt run. but she was after me. i was not quite sure how. but i ran so much, i thought i couldnt run anymore. everywhere i ran, i found myself facing her or feeling her so close to me, the hairs on my nape stood on end.

and i started to pray.

ash hadu allah illaha ... why am i muted? why cant i pronounce the words properly? why cant i say it. something caught my tongue. i felt like she had an invisible grip on my tongue, that she grabbed it taut out of my mouth so i couldnt say what i wanted to say.

i was scared shitless, horrified, almost to the point of death from fear. at least i felt i was.

i tried again.

ash hadu allah ...

ash hadu allah ...

ash hadu allah ...

ash hadu allah ...

THEY DIDNT BLOODY COME OUT! they didnt bloody come out. i gritted my teeth and thought to myself, "faith ... faith ... faith ... for nothing is greater than God. faith ... faith ... faith ... "

and somehow i knew, i was dreaming. i fucking hate it. i fucking hate it when i know i am dreaming and i feel so stuck in it. when willing yourself out of a dream becomes a physically exhaustive and daunting task while in the dream.

you almost feel ... dead.

trapped.

in your greatest fear.

like you're in a box and wherever you run, you hit a wall. you just cant run.

and so ... i flew. i flew in my dream. i flew over the barrier on the second floor that prevents you from falling into the lobby below. i flew. but oh so slow. so slow, i knew i shouldnt even have tried flying.

she grabbed my feet.

and as i flew, she was hanging from my feet, almost in glee she caught me. not on foot. but in the air. i cannot describe the look she gave from below.

i was already flying so slowly, she was dragging me down.

but it makes no difference.

i couldnt fly anywhere.

i couldnt run.

"faith ... faith ... ash hadu ... ash hadu ... " i felt like my tongue had shortened. i couldnt say anything, i couldnt reassert my belief in God and his last prophet.

i was trying so hard not to look at her and concentrating on slowing down my heart beat that i didnt feel the oak door on my back.

it was the way out.

but there was no way out.

i yelped silently, willing myself so hard out of the dream. i just wanted to wake up. all i wanted to do was wake up.

like a man under water for too long, i burst into consciousness gasping for breath. the fear was so real i could still taste it. i could still feel her in the room. i couldnt stand the darkness in the room anymore. i lost grip of reality. i couldnt even bring myself to reach under the bed for the side lamp for fear i'd see her hand grip mine and realise that i'm still stuck in the dream.

somehow i reached out for the side lamp and switched it on.

i reached over for ravi, the only real thing i knew in those infinite 5 seconds and tried to wake him up. i needed to know he was real, that everything was real.

why?

i want it to stop.

how do i make these dreams stop?

how do i stop running?

what do i have to face?

myself?

what, oh God, do i have to do to gain peace?