best words of the month

1. "you're doing a good job, dali."

just when i was about to rip a handful of hair out of my scalp, my boss came over to my desk to ask me if i had heard the hilarious "Ned's Gay & Lesbian Channel" [go to Audio then "Ned's Gay Channel Prank Call] he had sent over. delighted i got a funny forward (these days, i need all the funnies i can get), i immediately clicked on "Get Messages" on lousy netscape 7 times. meanwhile, the following conversation ensued.

boss : so are you now comfortable in your (new) job?
dali : er ... yeah ... just that i feel like killing someone every other day.
boss : ooooooh, be careful there, dali. i can make enemies, but you can't! i've already received the first complaint about you.
dali : oh, really? (heart starts palpitating at abnormal speeds here due to conscience overdrive. 'did i answer that email?', 'was too slow answering that asshole', 'i took too long to do that, but i really could not find the time!', 'has to be bluddy south america with their unreasonable demands for rates 1000 lower than market levels.') from where? south america?
boss : er ... no.
dali : then who? (i was persistent to add someone to my blacklist)
boss : froggie.
dali : (mentally typed in froggie's name in my blacklist) huh? what does he have to complain about me? oooh, yes, that, i spoke with the managing director (froggie's boss. i spoke with froggie's boss cos i was sick and tired of dealing with froggie's incompetent department.)
boss : yes, that was good actually, talking with the m.d.
dali : so, it wasn't a complaint, at least not in our books.
boss : no, it wasnt. was good. you're doing a good job, dali. you are.
dali : (shoots venomous, suspicious look at boss)

ok, maybe i suffer from extremus paranoia. i thought of the following in the respective order:
a)oh fuck, oh fuck. he's going to fire my ass off.
b)oh fuck, oh fuck. he thinks i am turning complacent.
c)oh fuck, oh fuck. he thinks i am demotivated and is trying to motivate me.

and five minutes later,
d)oh wait, or am i really doing a good job?

yes, it's confirmed. ravi was right all along, and i was just in denial. i am an anal pessimist. all the while, i thought i was a realist and was so damn 'ell prouda it.

but hey, i needed it. whether or not my boss saw me laughing and smiling less and thought i needed the encouragement - it does not matter. i did need it. and if he knew it, he's a good boss, well, somehow. i needed it. i almost had a nervous breakdown last sunday night. going to work the next day became unbearably painful and scary. i felt i wasn't good enough for the job, for myself.

like my good friend, michelle says, have faith in yourself.

it's funny - all my life, others have had more faith in me than i have had in myself. must be papa - always making us feel inadequate.

2."next month."

finally, after three excruciating months with 20 year old brat at home, she's leaving the house. with all the work stress, i could not afford to go mad at home. whenever i snap unnecessarily at ravi, i recognise it's got to be a culmination of work stress and home stress. and immediately, i'd hug and lie with ravi on our fatboys. it isn't his fault, he's my baby/cushion/rock.

why i am excited she's leaving next month:

a) bluddy 'ell talks too much. i take cooking as a meditative process. i like cooking in silence. i bluddy switch off when i cook, and that's what i need. to bluddy switch off. thinking is my death. she sits on my bar counter and recounts all her problems with ex-boyfriends etc etc bla bla ... zone out ... zone out ... and she takes up space on the bar counter which i need for all my ingredients. also, when i am watching 23 episodes of CSI consecutively over one weekend to switch off, i do not need someone sitting beside me going on and on about how her cousins she was living with was bitching about her. for god's sake, i could have contracted arthritis in my fingers from all that rewinding.

b) finished my entire supply of bailey's within two weeks of moving in. who in their bluddy shameless minds will do something like that? she bought another bottle - but not to replenish the one she finished. she got it to continue drinking herself and perhaps share a glass or two with me.

c) brought friends home within a week of promising she wouldn't and acted the perfect hostess with my supplies. i felt like a prisoner in my home with my privacy confiscated by an authority that hardly existed. waking up to five foreign pairs of shoes at your front door isn't exactly like hearing the birds chirping outside your window. i went mad, berserk, screamed at ravi and my lovely brother dannie every other day.

d) to wash dishes means to clean/rid dishes of debris. she bluddy 'ell leaves debris on plates and glasses. i absolutely hate drinking from a glass when i can guess what it contained the night before. or the saliva smell. i hate passing by my dishrack and smelling rotten eggs. eating off plates with yesterday's meal still on it is not my idea of a culinary delight.

e) left an iron mark on the $65 ironing board within a month of moving in. h.a.t.e. spoilt brats.

f) broke water spray - and kept silent about it. now, whenever i water my plant or spray clothes while ironing, i leave the floor wetter.

g) still using my towel. we were never close, so she can forget about intimate.

h) leaves the kettle/toaster switches on. now, why would anyone do this on a regular basis? leaving the risk of burning the house down on a daily basis? ok, i confess, i do it once in a while, but i kick myself over it.

i) the fragrance hotel. her boyfriend started staying over, started lying on my fatboys with her in the living room watching tv/videos when she said "yeah, i think my boyfriend will come over only once in a while, but he'll be in the room." once again, found that my need to switch off in front of tv watching amazing race was not possible with couple cuddling all over my fatboys watching my tv.

j)there were four things i specifically mentioned the first night she was here. (i) do not bring friends over, (ii) OK to bring boyfriend over once in a while, into room, must go home, (iii) keep house/room clean, sloth-like behaviour not acceptable and, (iv) no smoking in room. now, how difficult could it be? first two were violated within days. and the third no longer exists - she doesnt even bother to sweep the house. and the fourth - now, why would she think i haven't a clue she smokes in her room? we have a balcony huge enough to fit three buffalos and herself in the corner smoking a cigarette but she does it in the room. i, the asthmatic who grew up with a chain-smoking father cannot smell a cigarette for miles? you can forget about it. i hate mothering a girl only 3 years younger than i. i have other things to worry about, like how to convince ravi we should keep a pet.

k) lack of consideration for others in the house. how did she expect me to hang ravi's and my clothes at the backyard when she conveniently takes half the hangers from the backyard into her cupboard? now, what i do not get is how a student who receives $900/month spends all her money and goes into deficits when the only bill she pays is her mobile phone bill? there are families whose household income barely meets the $900 mark who are able to pay for the roofs over their heads, food for the children and electricity. and she cannot spend $5 on hangers? you see, it's never about the money - it's about the (here's where i sound anal) principle of it, dammit.

l) why would a nurse chuck lessons of hygiene at home? who the hell dips her hands into an air-tight cereal container without washing her hands? up till today, i have not touched that cereal container.

m) bringing boyfriend and sister home at 0400am and denying that boyfriend was in the house. ravi and i retired to the bedroom at 0345 when i heard the front door softly click open-and-close while reading disordered minds. then i heard a distinctly male voice puking in the house. then the sound of the mopstick falling in the backyard. ravi refused to let me out and start a screaming match (a monologue screaming match, that is). the next day, she wakes up at 1500pm and tells me

she : "oh, by the way (by the way), my sister slept here last night. i forgot (forgot) to tell you."
me : (you didn't forget, you just didn't think it prudent to tell us first) and who else was here last night?
she : "no one."
me : (liar) then who was puking?
she : "me."
me : (liar) hmph.

an hour later, she sends me an sms saying she was sorry she said it was her who was puking vomitus all over the place (please allow me to exaggerate, i am about to explode here) but it was not her, it was her boyfriend.

i wasted 10 minutes of my precious life reeling.

last week, sent a message to her brother "when you said she was going to stay with us temporarily, how temporary did you mean?"

and the reply that came back brought a sigh of relief to me, "next month."

next month.

i.cant.wait.