over the cliff, into the ... not so mysterious unknown.

i am not supposed to be in front of my computer terminal. but i am.

this morning, i switched the snooze function off my alarm three times after it first rang at 0645. i had to be at the hospital by 0745 for my first Lasik surgery. 0745.

i never get up till 0745 for work and i need to get to the hospital by 0745. rather cruel and unusual punishment for someone who was adamant about getting herself her first pair of glasses when she was 9. didn't know staring at the sun, looking straight into torchlights, reading on my back and in the dark would cost me a very painful SGD4000 14 years later. also realised, with my first pair of glasses, that i had made a mistake. my mother insisted on a giant pair of DARK PINK/RED frames that conquered half my chubby little face. if i find ONE picture of me with those glasses, it's going straight to the incinerator.

i get up finally at 0710. drag myself to the shower and wash my face with the luxurious Eversoft facial cleanser (much cheaper than its Clinique counterpart and just as effective) and think to myself "this is the last time i'll be able to rub my eyes with soap this hard for the next month." i remind myself, "no make-up, no fragrance". not only will i walk around like an hantu (ghost), i'll be a stinky hantu. have not left house without eyeliner in years, not sure how i lived without eyeliner all those years before i found it. put on some warm clothes, feed the psychotic feline i am cat-sitting and practically ran to catch my appointment at 0745. it's already 0742.

i run to the Refractive Surgery Centre and greeted the lady at the counter cheerily (guiltily, more like). it's already 0755. i am not the only one late, apparently. four of us have the same 0745 appointment and i am the 2nd one to arrive. i am called into the Laser Suite (love the name) and am asked the usual questions.

drug allergies?
-no-
history of illnesses?
-asthma-
-cat induced-
pregnant, i don't think so, right?
-er, no-

glad to know the nurse doesn't think i look preggers. but then again, pregnant people don't go for Lasik. she puts a round blue sticker over my left eye to indicate the correct eye to be operated on. i step outside the Suite and wait beside an immaculately dressed gentleman. looks like a yuppie hiding behind a nondescript grey t-shirt, jeans, small brown sneakers. i turn and ask, "nervous?"

he: no, you?
me: freaked out beyond my mind.
he: ha ha ha. at least we are not the first one. she can help to warm up the machine.
me: ha ha ha.

this she actually came at 0745. she must have been very excited to have laser burn her eyeballs off. Closet Yuppie and myself wait another hour outside the Suite making small talk, filling awkward silences with our slow breathing (ok, his slow breathing, i was just TRYING to breathe). we who have blue dots over our eyebrows.

the first lady steps into the Suite for the surgery. at this point of time, my palpitations are getting faster and manifesting itself in nervous pop-more-Lakerols-in-mouth action. ok, i'm just exaggerating. i am calm all the way up till this point. i am actually a last minute panicker. the horror rarely dawns on me till the very last minute - that's why i am your perfect paintball partner, i am stupidly fearless. but i do pop in an unnatural number of giant Lakerols.

then they call my name out loud. i say adios to Closet Yuppie and step inside. they put on a white 'shower' cap over my hair that doesn't hold my hair and put a second one over. i have blue elongated shower caps for my shoes, then wear a thin yellow paper robe. i feel like someone from the forgotten Chin Dynasty or a factory worker putting in almonds in chocolates somewhere in the world. the nice i-know-what-i'm-doing nurse puts anaesthetic eyedrops into my left eye. i blink instinctively and some of the drops squeeze out. i restrain myself from saying "hey, can you put in MORE?" my lashes and eyelids are disinfected. she informs me my eyelids will feel heavy from the anaesthetic. but they do not and still, i restrain myself from saying "hey, can you put in MORE?"

the doctor checks my eye one last time before the surgery.

how are you?
-freaked out-
oh, nothing to worry about, OK?
-huh, ok-
you just have to lie down, look up at the light, the ring will create the corneal flap and your eyesight will be blurred, but do not get alarmed. just keep looking up at the red light, OK?
-uh huh-
and then you will hear a couple of buzzing sounds, not to worry, this is just the laser. then you will smell something burning.
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-
not to worry (she continues in her don't-you-worry-honey voice) cos this is just the laser fuse.

LIAR. my eyes are burning, BURNING! but ok, ok, it's just the laser fuse, just the laser fuse, laser fuse.

i enter a second room and am directed to an elevated bed. and as i step up onto the bed, the only thing i can think of is, "hey, that step is from IKEA!" i lie down, and before i can think about how fucked up i feel, they do all kinds of things to my face. they disinfect my eyebrows, eye area, cover my right eye, tape my lashes away from my eye (now have naked eyes cos i SWEAR some lashes were stripped off), place the eyeclip over my left eye to keep it unblinkingly open.

"OK, dali, keep both eyes open throughout the surgery, OK?"

i am dumbstricken. what have i signed up for? why am i more freaked out about this surgery than all my previous tumour removal surgeries? no wonder they sedate people like me. that's right! the Lasik preparation CD said i'd get a mild sedative before the surgery, WHERE'S MY SEDATIVE?!!!! STOP! STOP! GIMME MY MY MY VALIUM!

"OK."

i look above and spot two lights, one red and one green. i keep looking at the right light. they tell me they are placing the ring over my eye but they do not tell me they are now making the corneal flap - just as well that they do not.

"OK, you will feel some pressure now, your vision will be blurred, do not worry, just keep looking at the red light."

i know at this point of time they are creating the corneal flap. this is when they slice the top part of your cornea with something called a microkeratome. they do not slice it off completely, they make the flap and flip it up.

"OK, the first step is now over, we will begin with the Lasik. you will hear a series of buzzing sounds now."

this is when they start using excimer (excited dimers) laser to sculpt the exposed inner corneal surface. depending on your condition, myopia, hyperopia or astigmatism, they shave off how much they need in order for images to be transmitted to the back of your retina clearly.

here is when i start get a sniff of that burning smell.

then they replace the corneal flap. the amazing thing about the body - the corneal flap starts healing immediately and glues itself back.

and i'm all done!

they remove the pirate thing off of my right eye, and this is when i realise i kept my right eye shut the entire time when i should have kept it open. i do not know if it was from the nerves, or if it was because my body realised that if i kept my right eye open, i'd keep blinking both eyes and that would make my left eye uncomfortable, what with the eye clip and all.

but who cares! i'm all done! i step outside and remove all 'shower' caps and the robe. the nurse explains the aftercare procedure. lubricating eyedrops every 10 minutes today, antibiotic eyedrops every 2 hours today. lubricating eyedrops as and when i want tomorrow onwards, antibiotic eyedrops every 4 hours for a week after today. the doctor checks my eye again, seems pleased, and says "the surgery went well."

the nurse continues, saying "you will experience discomfort. different people feel different things. some feel pain, some feel like there's always something in their eye, some feel pressure. you could feel a prickly sensation."

the doctor says, "you might feel a smarting sensation." felt like saying, "for the millionth time, lady, i haven't the faintest idea what SMARTING means."

i ask, "what's an abnormal reaction?"

swelling, extreme pain, apparently anything that seems out of the ordinary and not listed in the expected reactions above.

i am at home by 0945.

i order a Sausage McMuffin with Egg meal complete with hashbrown and iced Milo. McDonald's delivers promptly. i eat. i lie on the sofa, closing and opening eyes and putting the antibiotic eyedrops every 10 or so minutes. mom keeps talking excitedly about a wedding she attended over the weekend. i have a feeling she wants my wedding to become a circus like that too.

i go into the room, lie on the bed. mom goes on for another hour or so. i like hearing her so happy. her happy makes me happy. most of the time. unless her happy means me disgruntled which happens sometimes, and all the time when i was a teenager.

we say goodbye, i set my phone alarm to snooze every ten minutes, i know opening and closing my eyes won't keep me awake. i'll just fall asleep. and i do. somehow, i manage to have a good sleep, AND wake up every 10 minutes to administer eyedrops.

and get up and am amazed i can see the license plate number of a car 7 storeys below. Lasik is surreal. i'm not sure if i am lucky or if the anaesthetic is that effective, but i have not had any of the reactions listed above. my vision is slightly blurred, but it's still better than what it was before. much better. i keep closing my righ eye to check my left eye out.

why didn't i do this sooner? tomorrow, my right eye. hopefully it all turns out as well as today.

oh, by the way.

intr.v. smart·ed, smart·ing, smarts
1. To cause a sharp, usually superficial, stinging pain: The slap delivered to my face smarted.
2. To be the location of such a pain: The incision on my leg smarts.
3. To feel such a pain.